now you know.

un mensaje para uno, y todo ya esta muy claro.

 A message I left to a dear someone finally freed cowardly little mai from the cage she locked herself in.

But dearest one has fled, and I am sorry for leaving you out, even when I have long realized you are somebody I could let myself be myself, without so much judgement. You’re the lesson I finally learned to heed, but when I did, it was too late for us.

I had wanted to make things perfect for you, perhaps due to all the guilt I’ve locked up. I never opened myself up, because I thought everything was good for you, and all i wanted was to see you pleased with everything that involves me. Fate’s twisted, bitter power turned upon me, setting things the way they should’ve been long before.

My sins I never owned up to until today. As undeserving as I am in your eyes now, as fragile as the little kitten I picked up from the street, I am still wishing one day I could find myself a home with you.

…However this hope I can bitterly kill, if that’s what you ask me to. I’m heartbroken and sorry I made you a friend taken for granted, a lover betrayed.

Yo sólo quiero caminar

Yo quiero caminar porque rechazo ser  sólo carne en manos de tiempo.

I just want to go on because I dont want to be just meat in the hands of time.

♥Un espectáculo de danza contemporánea de de Alberto Huenos

Sábado, 20de octubre de 2007. 7h30. Entrada gratuita

CCP Little Theater CCP Complex, Pasay City. ♥

—————————————————————————————-

I opened my eyes to a sunny day but my body would not budge. I was more convinced to sleep even with sunlight heating my face and my pillow. After 30 minutes I finally obliged myself to a bath and for a cup of coffee then rushed to the office. Good thing I arrived just on time, even earlier than some of my officemates. I turned on the PC, then slumped onto my possessed chair that goes up and down by itself, making me look like Im ascending and descending from my desk every 15 minutes.

  I just came from an "extra" long weekend, having last Friday and yesterday both holidays for our office however, I felt like the last four days passed too fast, barely giving me time to think of what to do. But here are some of the things which I did or happened that at least made me smile and made a few minutes of an otherwise crappy day interesting:

Friday: I bought my nephew, my godchild his christening present, officially making me broke. When I saw him though; a little chubbier than before, instantly smiling when I said hello, made it all worth the freakin' money.

Saturday: Went out with some friends from college, partying at Temple bar. I felt like a "MANANG",  trying to hide my eyes from the sight of highschool girls and boys grinding to the music like sluts and manwhores. Yikes. I was pretty sure at least of the people there were about 16 year olds. God, that was FIVE years ago for me.

Sunday: My sister was showing his two year old kid flashcards of different animals, and I was dumbfounded that this little fellow was actually reciting the names of the animals on each card. And these aren't just the usual dog-cat-bird flashcards. This had camel, hippo, crocodile, turkey, etc photos on it. She and I almost went crazy when we showed him the card that showed a grasshopper, and he said out loud and slowly "grass..hop…per".

Monday: Once again I failed on my quest to get myself an SSS and TIN ID. For some reason, the machines are always out of order when I visit their offices.

…Then I looked into his eyes. That made me wish some things were better still.

Just A Thought

"We grow beyond the little losses, think that we have reached an anchored place, and then lose the one
important thing …" –Ray Rasmussen

Giving up

I can accept that we're going nowhere, but one last time let's go there…lay down beside me.

Add me up!

YOU!

Yes you. Add me up. I'm not connected to any other person in i.ph except my ex. And honestly, he isn't the person who I would want to stalk my blog. (Ahehe, sorry na lang) But seriously, there's something very interesting in knowing the thoughts of people you dont REALLY know. So please, be my blogfriend. Hahah.

Connecting>>>

I give up. I have to say that this blogging, downloading, photo, music, video sharing is annoyingly addictive. I like the fact that I finally gave in to my other officemates' daily routine of chatting and uploading instead of working. I used to feel that it's unfair how they could just surf away while I work my ass off, barely having time to eat my lunch (at 3p.m).  Maybe I have a streak of workaholism, and so it felt amazingly good on the first day I just sat infront of my pc doing NOTHING related to work. 

But now I'm starting to get worried that all my work is piling up and I barely accomplished anything! Haha! Hey, I know it's not the end of the world; and it's not like I've been screwing up the past few days, but I'm pretty sure that IF ONLY my boss knew what I HAVEN'T been doing, he'd be furious.  

 I put the blame on this blog I came across last week. The ideas he wrote about just made me wish I was back in college again, when all you had to care about is yourself, to pass your subjects, get good grades, get along with your classmates and professors…basically if you screw up, it's just your ass that you have to worry about. He was complaining about so many things, but still I envied him. Because now, it seems as if I've been placed in a position that if I do something wrong, hundreds of people will cluelessly get stopped at the Ezeiza airport or worse, get deported! Wait a minute, "it seems" is wrong.  I AM in that position! And it's pretty scary too…taking responsibility for the hundreds of Filipinos traveling to Buenos Aires.  Eeew. Now I feel old. And the fact that adding one more year to my age next month is not exactly helping!

Anyhow, going back to what I was saying, here I've been typing down this entry instead of working! AGAIN! Oh my gosh, I must stop. now. please? Can't stop typing…Aaagggh!

Sonnet 148

10 My Heart

tristeza perpetua

Perhaps i shouldnt even dare to say that I'm cursed to have this because it just might not be the real case and i might be setting God's wrath upon me right this moment while I'm typing down.

People definitely agree with me that misery feels like a lifetime. I know I have to keep going on, well I do, but keeping up such a heavy drag. This whole experience of struggling with emotions is just effing confusing. The moving on phase is just driving me insane. The only easy escape is to hate, but hate is not fair. I want to straighten out my tangled life and if I'll do that i want every step to be done right.

What about making mistakes? I'm old enough to understand that they do happen almost inevitably albeit unintentional. But stakes are made high for me, well, apparently. One wrong move and all this "straightening things out the right way" will be cut right in the middle, leaving me stunned and as I believe, badly frozen for the rest of my life. I feel being in this marked spot of mine, not able to go beyond it, is too unfair, by all human laws I believe I would oppose it. However, my heart tells me it's alright to oblige. My better sensed logic screams that I must complain, detest, condemn such an irrational, limiting rule; not because I've already  fallen out of it, but because it is in itself a dictation of what i must and can only do. I've been told I shouldn't shut myself to new things, but I end up doing that because I'm too scared to lose you.

Sigh. How will my heart disown you?

Now I'm a sitting duck. Again. 

a la Embajada

New office.

New life.

New boss.

New rules.

Fuck the absurd rules.

Gone away from home for a whole Week!

Last week, I've been out and around Makati, Cavite, Tagaytay, Marikina, Bulacan, Valenzuela and Baguio. If I did miss any place that my feet had walked upon, I don't really care anymore. Haha. I am so freakin' toooired [Say it how it reads, girlfriend!] and it is strange that I'm still awake, typing away for this journal. Just the same, the past few days were tiresome and stressful but I can't say I didnt have fun. I've been touring different places, but often walking my way there  (We have a tourist bus and at times it's useless because there's rarely enough parking space. Oh and the sun was scorching my skin too. I have developed this compulsion to put on sunblock every ten minutes. The only fulfilling staying-under-the-sun-for-hours experience was during our trip to Baguio. We went strawberry picking! Hehehe. I know, I've done that before. But there's this smiling, childish feeling to it when you run around the field with your friends, racing to get the biggest, reddest  plump strawberries.

Anyways, I'm getting sleepy now. Tatah. Tomorrow I shall reap the fruits of my Overtime compensation.

money isn’t everything

It's funny how you dearly wish for some things and when they actually come true you become more unsatisfied.  As a student (haha.. as if it was light years ago ) I had always wished that I when I work, I want to be able to travel a lot. Now that I'm doing just that, spending weeks and weeks going to god knows where, I feel lonely most of the time. I miss my family.

 Yesterday when I just got out of bed, I went straight to our living room (yes, with bedhair and all). First person I saw was my dad, sprawled out on the sofa. Then he said "Wow gising na pala, hug nga anak" Our maids were laughing because I think I had a weird look on my face but obliged to do so anyway. Then he said, "Ang laki na ng baby ko o, hindi na umuuwi." It felt strange that my dad was being senti with me. He is usually just being wacky, making fun of me or one of my sisters, or busy with tinkering with our cars.  But I had to smile inside. I knew he was missing me too.

At that moment I regret that I'm taking on technically two jobs: one for the day, the usual 8-5 office work and then working or rather, socializing to build contacts for  tenoriomanila shoes. (oh yes, I am blatantly plulgging check out our website www. tenoriomanila.com and if you're interested in these designer shoes, contact me) Anyway. Suddenly, it hit me that being able to give your parents monthly allowance, isn't really what will make them happy. And it's sad because that's just what I vowed to do then. *sigh.

It can choke.

Finding love is an art that most people fail to do well in. 

Yes. There are people who have been hoarding all the love-luck in this world. But I think I am old enough to know, there ain't a lot of them. Some take it like vice. If it doesn't work for them the first time,  they don't do it at all. But there are people who dont  take a hint very easily — Most of us. The ones who go about love by living out "try and try until you succeed". All hope for one thing, that amidst the chaos they will survive and emerge with somebody they found along the way. Also hopefully, not end up being miserable after all the trouble. (Coz things like divorce and separation are IN things lately)…

too sleepy to continue. later.

Over my head

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

ID

heyyy……

calliope is my alias. Ah, I feel honored this program is dedicated to me.. if only it doesnt have too many errors sometimes.

On the lighter side of things, I got my company ID today. Rejoice! I am officially a Person… This is my first Identification proof since I got out of college. And the only one for the meantime.. I have yet to get a driver's licence, SSS ID and all that. What a delinqent citizen am I…

This thing is ruining my day

I dont like the log in system here in i.ph. I was viewing someone else's blog and thought of logging in from there. When the Pop up log in came up, i typed in my login name and my password. I tried NUMEROUS times and it kept saying I had the wrong domain or password. Infuriated, I clicked on the "Forgot your Password" link to get a new one. The same thing happened! i got in my 3rd try, then the question came up. It said I had the wrong answer so I had to re-do it all over again. Then this time, i entered the same login name and email address, it said that the account didn't exist! Hmrksrhrsam,drrmrmpphh… the program has some serious problems.. I swear.